Imagine a hard-to-reach jungle, entangled lianas, wild vegetation, where sunlight rarely penetrates. Only the screams of a group of men can be heard, who chase a wild boar with such fierceness that we women can not even imagine. Late in the evening, the animal is already exhausted and the strongest and obstinate man in the group manages to kill him. The hunter drags the animal along, genuinely satisfied with his prey. The thought of being able to feed himself and his family fills him with enthusiasm and pride. He takes the boar into the village to his wife and children. His wife hugs him, kisses him passionately, and tells him how proud she is with him. The man sits down silently by the fire, genuinely satisfied with his achievement, feeling delighted that this night would be a long and passionate one because he managed to make his wife happy again.
Imagine that this scenario is repeated day after day for thousands of years or centuries. What personal traits are important for men to develop to satisfy their primary needs of food and sex? First of all, physical endurance, good orientation, being persistent, pragmatism, and competitiveness in order to be the first to capture the animal. Is it necessary for these hunting men to develop their social skills and emotional intelligence, such as deep emotional attachment to children, to become successful hunters? No, these are the qualities that women develop while caring for their children, and cooperate with other women in the village when their men hunt and are absent for weeks.
Why is it important to go back so far in human development and take a look at this scenario? Because then we can better understand why men and women react so differently in a particular situation and explain why men are generally extremely cautious when it comes to commitment or to take into account having a child consciously.
Personal traits or behaviours that are important to our survival in a particular environment are preserved and developed, while behaviours and traits that the environment does not reinforce, extinguish – that’s what evolution is according to Darwin.
You have probably happened to have an intimate relationship with a man, for months or even for years, and when you share your desire to have a child together, which seems to you to be the most logical development of the relationship when two people love each other and have a long-lasting relationship, the man suddenly begins to point out the most foolish arguments to explain why he is not ready yet for this step, e.g. because your musical tastes are a bit different, or because the mother-in-law does not cook tasty or that climatic upheaval is expected in the near future due to the thinning of the ozone layer.
If this has not happened to you, then you are one of the few lucky women to whom the saying goes: “Born me with luck and then throw me in the junk.” It did happen to me that I was flooded by male tears as a sign of his great love and affection for me, assuring me that our relationship is perfect, but yet he felt such a great tension lump in his stomach, every time I was mentioning the word ‘child’.
When I asked him to describe this tension lump, he was unable to label it or give any meaning to it. For a woman, all the conditions for making a baby are available, but if we continue to insist, men tend very often to even end up the relationship rather than to overcome this internal tension that I would call ‘fear’ or ‘insecurity’. Fear of losing their freedom, the freedom to go any time hunting freely with friends, fear of having to feed one more throat, making love with only one woman for the rest of his life, etc.
So from a male perspective, as we know men are much more rational and pragmatic than women, the male brain perceives a child just as an extra burden and I blame the evolution for it. In contrast to the male brain, the female brain is probably flooded by oxytocin every time women imagine the future child. Although I can’t support this statement with any scientific pieces of evidence yet, scientific research has already revealed that there is gender-dependent modulation of brain responses to infant requests to be fed, indicating that women interrupt mind-wandering when exposed to the sounds of infant hunger cries, whereas men carry on without interruption (reference). But let’s go back to this tension lump or fear of commitment that men tend to experience…
To overcome or integrate a particular emotion such as fear or tension into our minds, we need to understand where it comes from and give it a name. But wild boar hunting, air-plane construction, or software development, such as the most male occupations have been or currently are, do not require men to explore deep emotional nuances of their psyche to become successful hunters or engineers.
Thus, for them, the tension lump in the stomach remains extremely threateningly unclear condition, which they can’t integrate in their consciousness and may lead to inappropriate behavior such as terminating an intimate relationship based on love, understanding, and respect. Some women are more aware of this male paradox and seem to become suddenly by mistake pregnant, which saves men conscious confrontation with their personal fears and emotions.
But what are the consequences for women when men lack emotional intelligence and awareness? The consequences can be catastrophic, especially when you have a strong desire to have a child and be a mother. We need to realize that woman has a limited reserve of eggs that end up with the onset of menopause somewhere at the age of 40, while men have an inexhaustible sperm reserve.
American scientists have discovered ovarian stem cells that are capable of spontaneously producing new eggs in the laboratory (reference) and perhaps this would delay the onset of menopause and solve a major female problem in the future. But for now, this is only science fiction.
A more realistic solution to the problem is to use a sperm donor to get pregnant and realise your dream of having a baby or to freeze healthy ovarian cells by the age of 35, while waiting for a more emotionally conscious man to appear in your life.
Of course, reproductive medicine is a very expensive service, as child care.
Therefore, dear ladies, you must become financially and professionally independent first, in order to achieve your ambition of becoming a mother.
This will save you the humiliation of tearfully begging a man to become the father of your child. Because let’s be honest, with the entry of the technology industry that provides livelihood to a large proportion of men nowadays, the chances of men becoming more aware of their own emotional needs soon are rather limited. Remember that every day of your life can distance you or draw you near to the realisation of your dream to become a mother, the choice is yours!